It was Sunday, December 18th 2016 and I had just spent 17 hours traveling from Salt Lake City, Utah to Felton, Pennsylvania the day before. An awful snow/ice storm had wreaked havoc on the East Coast with tanker trucks trying to avoid cars by purposely sliding into meridians. The chaos resulted into firebombs of ruination. A butterfly effect of these accidents that occurred around 3am on December 17th, 2016 had my husband pinned in the I95 tunnel for over two hours. I won’t even touch how long it took us to get home after I had been sitting at the airport for over three hours waiting for him to pick me up. However, our concerns were of no consequence to those whom had suffered worse.
With that awful day behind us, the last thing either of us wanted was to spend more time in the car. However, the last thing either of us wanted was to miss this paintball game in Plattekill, New York! I was finally going to bond with my man after promising him so many times that I would play. Off we went at 6am, being home less than 24 hours, for a four hour trek to Paintball Sports, Inc. The chosen location of our hosts, The Unknown Assassins, to parlay in a game of magfed paintball. What is magfed paintball? In the words of my spirit animal, Dirty Harry, “… you’ve gotta ask yourself one question: “Do I feel lucky?” Well, do ya, punk?“; this is what would describe magfed paintball.
This is not a game of shoot and spray where you have a hopper loaded with 150-200 balls. You actually have magazines loaded with 20 balls and your survival depends on your alacrity of tactical prowess. That being said, this particular scenario was a mixed bag of magfed markers and traditional hopper-fed markers. It had been a long hiatus from the last time I had played and this magfed was a new concept to me. Verdict: I am now a total magfed fan! I like that feeling that my ammo was finite and my shots should be chosen well. It’s all about acquiring a target and aiming at it instead of shooting wildly in its general direction, and accurately firing from a proper stance instead of spraying bullets from the hip. Bring on the bad assery!
The snow on the ground and the rain pouring in intermittent droves made for very cold and slick turf as the storm from the day before was releasing its aftershocks. As my husband and I were getting ready, we kept saying how we would only play a couple of games and then roll out. Granted we just drove four hours to get here, so we should play a little at the very least. Never mind that my fingers were frozen that I didn’t want them to leave the warm cradle of my armpits!
I was more introverted than usual as this crowd of about 20-30 males, with two females counting myself, readied their stock, loaded their ammo, and went to chrono their markers. I wasn’t intimidated, I was just more interested on taking note of different styles of dress (some people knew exactly the history of their authentic military garb), the chosen ammo (you have paint balls and then you have First Strikes), and the overall eccentricities of the players. All in all, the camaraderie was addicting as there were no ‘meatheads’ with penis envy, but good guys looking at playing a great game of paintball. I do have to admit that some of the memes posted on the event page were extremely derogatory toward women. I have never understood the debasing of women in order to attract the male cave men. Boys (you know who you are): understand that if you want to progress the game, be mindful of what you post. Don’t alienate others by posting a biological tripod compromised of two women in a vulgar position. Don’t agree? That’s okay, come at me and I’ll be glad to converse about this topic. On a different note, I would like to give a special thank you to Haircut, Mase, Sosa, and Ms. Sara for being so welcoming to a person in need of guidance.
Four or five games later, I lost count because we were having so much fun in spite of the weather, I was cold, wet and having a euphoric time! I wish I would have had a GoPro on me as during the heat of Dead Presidents, I tried to make a run for a bunker in order to be at a better firing position. In the midst of this attempted heroic feat (woo!), I slipped in the snow and I’m not sure how this happened, but I ended up facing the grey, soulless sky, wet snow sliding up my back and taking my breath away. “Get up”, I told myself. “They’re going to light you up. You have no cover. Get up NOW!” As the snow threatened to hinder my recovery and my attempt at getting to the bunker, I crouched/ran at my best struggle to not be a fish in a barrel. I slammed like Ali’s fist connecting to Foreman’s face into the bunker as my feet were unable to find purchase in the snow to slow me down. “Two minutes”, yelled the ref. There was no way any of us were close enough to get two to the dome of the protected President within two minuscule minutes! He had at least three bodyguards, one with a riot shield, protecting his precious cargo ass. Time to make the donuts! (I’ve heard that somewhere…maybe from The Nomad PB Team?) Making sure I had a fully loaded mag, I ran out firing. My intention wasn’t to hit the President as I didn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell, but to at least create a diversion as the bodyguards’ eyes would be trained on me and my comrades could get a possible ‘in’. My sacrifice was in vain as the ref called TIME and the President was unscathed. DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!
It was a great game to end the day, and as I wondered how I didn’t get hit when I fell in the snow, two thoughts occurred to me:
- No one saw me running for the bunker.
- They ALL saw me and felt sorry for my lack of acrobatics and decided not to shoot me.
Much love and Aloha,
your magfed-crazed clueless wanderer
Featured photo credits: The Unknown Assassins PB Team